Thursday, January 29, 2009
The journey continues, even if it is taking a somewhat different path. The apartment is looking much better than before. I had a little bit of a breakdown (about a week ago?) and ended up calling my mom in tears. It was a powerful moment for me, much like when a drug addict hits bottom. This was my bottom. I looked around my apartment and couldn't comprehend how I had let it go so far. I took pictures for motivation. Never again could I let my husband and children live in such disarray. Replaying the photos on my camera was like watching one of those organization reality tv shows where you gasp at the before scenes. This wasn't me, I am not a slob.

Interesting. The first half of that statement feels completely true, yet the latter feels like a complete lie based on outward appearances. I have work to do.

my wonderful and amazing mom came and helped me get started getting everything to the point where I can start doing it on my own. I'm still working with the organizational book I talked about before. so far the living room, kitchen, bathroom, and kids' room are all to the point where I am not completely overwhelmed and can slowly get them closer and closer to what I'd like them to be. The main difficulty is motivation on a daily bases to keep them clean.

I'm also cracking down on diet and exercise again. I'm 13lbs more than I was two months ago and I feel every pound. I started weight training today. My plan is to weight train Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday. I have kick boxing Tuesdays and Thursdays with open gym on Saturday and my hope is to run on Mondays and Sundays. It's not as much running as i would like but that's a pretty full workout schedule already. I can focus on running more when I have a more regular schedule. I just bought weight Training for Dummies, since I have NO CLUE where to start.

Kick boxing is going well. I feel much more comfortable with my kicks now. My punches however need some serious work. I'm crossing my fingers that I will be able to get a wavemaster xxl with our tax return so I can train at home.

I'm trying to stay focused and remind myself that I've made progress. It's going to take time to get everything under control. I even started focusing on writing. I finished a short story to submit to a literary journal and all that is left is editing and sending it off. I've gotten some good feedback on it which is nice. I am fully prepared for it not being accepted, realistically I'm not even sure if it's the kind of thing they are looking for. The point is that I'm writing and trying to get published.

In knitting news, the cabled scarf is done, all I need to do is block it and then take some pictures of my beautiful best friend wearing it. I'll post them once I do! Now I'm on to my little godson's pirate beanie. It should be a quick knit.

so there's a quick update on everything. I'll try to get a more daily streak going. It's definitely more interesting than occasional updates!

Posted by Elyse at 12:25 PM | 0 comments
Monday, January 12, 2009
So the journey to a clean and organized home has commenced. I did my journal work for the week today. It went well. My eyes were opened to some of the reasons for my disorganization. I made the mistake of scanning ahead to the next couple weeks. It said that the estimated time for organizing your kitchen is 5-7 hours. ACK! I'm crossing my fingers that it's not all at once. I can't imagine that it will be since the rest of the book is about taking one step at a time.

Today's project, which had nothing to do with the book since the first week is only journal work, was getting the living room situated. I got evrything picked up, and I had three other somewhat bigger projects to do. One was getting the boys toy "room" (it's really just a walk in closet) sorted and organized. I now have 4 or 5 bags of toys and stuffed animals to get rid of. Luckily my mom is taking the toys so I just have to worry about the stuffed animals. I'm crossing my fingers that my sister-in-law wants them.

The second project is getting the christmas tree and decorations put away. Third is going through the mounds of papers lying about. I spent 2hrs getting the living room picked up and the toys sorted and aparently that's my limit as of yet. I always hit that time and I'm worn out. I think it's because I see what's left and it's almost impossible to stay motivated. I'm trying to focus on what I did get done. One of my major projects, that's pretty decent. One of the biggest things holding me back with all this cleaning is feeling like a failure. I need to shake the feeling that no matter how well I do short term, long term I always slip back into old habits. That's what this year is all about, overcoming and solidifying a new set of habits. And proving to myself that I'm not doomed to a mediocre way of life. I want to thrive!

Another major goal I'm working on is writing more consistently. I came across an opportunity to be published in a literary journal called Silence Prohibited. Deciding to write a short story I wracked my brain for several days. Yesterday I came up with the story line. All I have to do now is write it, perfect it, and send it in. I have it started and I think it's well on its way. My intention is to use this to get me writing. I'm not expecting to get published my first attempt but I know there's no way to avoid being disappointed. Let's just hope I don't lose my motivation. It's hard to know in the fantasy genre if your story will be viewed as awesome or lame.

On the diet front, my husband and I have decided to do it together. He has a new exercise routine figured out and I'm going to jump back on the bandwagon. Unfortunately tomorrow is my son's birthday so I'll have to figure out some other exercise than kick boxing. man it's hard to find time and motivation for it when you have to work around your kids' schedule. Especially working the midnight shift. Anytime I have free I want to either sleep or spend it with the husband.

Posted by Elyse at 4:58 PM | 0 comments
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
The title of this blog is a quote from this book:

2009 is my year. I'm growing up, getting organized, and finally doing the things I know I was born to do. The first step to the book above is reading the introduction, pondering it for a few days, and creating a dream board. The dream board is just a poster board with clippings of words and pictures from magazines that represent your dreams and what you picture your life being like in the future. I'm also going to take before pictures of my house, just as a reference.

I've been drowning my entire life. When my husband came into my life it started my swim back to the surface. I eventually reached the top but to my horror it was completely solid with ice. all I could do was scratch at it while I slowly drowned. I had no idea why. I was so confused as to how I could work so hard and achieve so much and yet it wasn't enough. I still failed at everything I did. I could make a little crack in the ice but eventually it would just refreeze and I'd be stuck all the same. Now I know why. I'm paralyzed. I'm afraid that the ice will never break. At the same time I'm terrified of what's on the other side. What if it's not as sunny as I imagined. Maybe I'm better off down here with the familiar fish swirling around me. All this time I've been scratching and thrashing about, there has been an ice pick floating right beside me. Now that pick is in my hand and I'm ready to take the first swing.

This book seems to be exactly what I'm looking for. I'm scared to death of failing, but my fingers are bloody and sore from scratching so long. I'm ready to find out what exactly is above the ice. It may not be as sunny and warm as I want it to be but it certainly is better than this water that crushes my chest with cold. There will probably be pain, a few cuts and scrapes from the broken ice. No matter how difficult it may be, at least I know that after it all there's a fresh breath of air waiting for me.

Posted by Elyse at 2:51 PM | 0 comments
Friday, January 2, 2009
It's been a LONG time since I've blogged. So much has changed, mainly concerning my interests, well sort of. The main change I've made is my eating and exercise habits. I've lost 20-25 lbs since my last blog entry. This was spurred on when I met my now best friend, Vanessa. She encouraged me to take more control in my appearance and I'm 100x better for it. One of the most inspirational people I've ever met, I'm very very lucky that God brought her into my life.

As far as diet and exercise altering my interests, this change didn't take away my love for writing or knitting, but it added to my loves running and muay thai kickboxing. Yes that's right, I have fallen in love with fighting. I am not currently aspiring to become the next Gina Carano but I do want to be the best that I can be when it comes to the Muay Thai art form. You never know though. After some time I may find the idea of an actual fight more intriguing. I do certainly enjoy UFC fight nights.

I'm also falling in love with running. There's just something about being "that person" you see running along the road. I've worked up to about four miles right now. My ultimate goal is a marathon. It won't happen for quite some time because of time restraints when it comes to training. Right now I'm just enjoying it when I can and working up to as many miles as I can. I did my first race on October 5th and it was awesome. It was the Susan G Komen Race for the Cure and since then I have learned a lot about how devastating breast cancer can be to whole families. The pink ribbon has now become a symbol of perseverance to me now. I look at it and see both my own struggle with getting healthy and the fight to survive that so many women have been forced to endure. It truly is inspiring.

For anyone interested in losing weight and becoming more active try It's an amazing site, and if you join, add me! My name is Flitknit.

With all of this you would think that my New Year's resolution would be more geared towards fitness goals and more weight loss. But no, my main focus now is my inner self. I have struggled with many things my entire life and it's time for me to finally over come them. It's a very hard struggle for me, but I want to look back next year and see a big difference in how I live now and how I will be living then.

One of my biggest struggles is keeping my house clean. I am nowhere near up to par on this. I am on a constant rollercoaster of keeping the house clean for a few days and then letting it slip back into chaos. There are reasons for this that I'm working on with my therapist. I'm encouraged that I'm taking that step. I also want to really, truthfully, put effort into following's program. It has helped so many others and I hope that I can be one of them. I think I will try posting my progress everyday on this blog. Maybe just coming here and blogging everyday is what I need to see my progress.

I want to be very open on this blog. So be prepared! A few months ago I found out that I am bipolar. It isn't a very severe case of it, but it's enough to really affect my life obviously. This is on top of finding out I have asperger's a few years ago. Knowing these two things have helped me a lot in coming to terms with my mental state. I no longer live in fear of being a complete lunatic. I have things I must deal with but I CAN deal with them. I take lexapro daily and that has made a WORLD of difference with the emotional cycling that comes with bipolar disorder. I also have multiple vitamins that very much help me. It is a very difficult thing to handle though, because many bipolar people have trouble consistently taking their meds. I can't exactly describe why this is but I definitely have trouble with it myself. I even started carrying my lexapro around in my purse so if I remember while I'm out I can take it. Speaking of which I have to go take it right now!....I just set my Iphone to alert me at 10pm everynight to take my medicine. Hopefully that makes a difference.

On a lighter note, I am still a lover of knitting! Currently I'm working on a scarf for Vanessa. She's very excited!

After this is finished I will crank out a pirate hat for my godson, Zander.

Then it's on to a year of Christmas knitting! For the past few year's I've waited much too long to get anything done in time so this year I'm doing all the stockings, ornaments, and presents I have been wanting to do for some time now. After all those are done I might as well start cutting into my sock yarn stash. I've gotten quite a few skeins since I couldn't help but buy one every time I went to Stitch 'n Bitch. how can you resist when you go to Miss V's SnB??? Sadly enough I haven't been able to go in a VERY long time. It breaks my heart but sometimes we all have to make sacrifices. Sigh.

A couple years ago I realized what it was that I wanted to do with my life. I am and always have been a writer. Okay well ever since I learned how to anyway. I have a project I've been working on for about a year and a half. It's a fantasy book series. Another one of my goals is to be more seriously working on it. I feel it's very promising and I have gotten a lot of good feedback from other fans of fantasy, so here's hoping! My ultimate plan is to work on it as much as possible until my husband finishes school. After we move and get settled (he'll be in the Air Force) I will start my search for a book agent and then hopefully really get the ball rolling with my writing career.

Ok so for now that's about it. Not that it was a short blog by any means. I feel much more focused. Blogging I know is very beneficial for many people. Perhaps it is a tool I can use in my journey towards a better, happier me.

Posted by Elyse at 4:53 PM | 0 comments